Changing hearts is one of the coolest things God does... and He does a lot of cool things.
I had a passionate faith starting at age 8 that carried me through the middle of my Jr. High years.
I had a passionate faith starting at age 8 that carried me through the middle of my Jr. High years.
Then I dipped my toe into the world of "life apart from God" and thought I had found "the dream"! My natural "free spirit" took me down a path of twists and turns, that never really got too rocky. Most of the time, I stayed just on the outside of all the "ugliness", but close enough to think I was enjoying the ride.
I didn't seek to find God again. I didn't even think I needed Him. The last thing I wanted was to resemble the "stuffy christians" in sweater vests & floral dresses. Christians to me were the nasty women who came into Macaroni Grill to sit in my section...to talk about other women in the church... while they hissed at me when their bread plate came close to being empty. Sundays were the worst days to wait tables! I never wanted to come close to these crazy judgemental people.
I loved my "free life" of actively persuing sin. I didn't so much like the concequences and the emptiness I felt when I was honest about it...but atleast I didn't have to follow a bunch of rules.
For me, it started with curiosity. Coincidentally, this was the same thing that lead me away from Him in the first place.
I started reading books about ALL the different belief systems. I took a few "philisophy" classes in college in my quest to try to understand God...and creation...and truth. I didn't find any "one way" that made perfect sense to me...and I really didn't want to get a closer look at Jesus- because Christianity looked really ugly to me from the outside. Judgemental people. Stupid rules that you can never follow- that make you feel better than everyone else.
So, after college I started working at a youth camp for at-risk teenagers. It was 24 hours a day, 5 days a week- living in tents in east Texas- working to help kids find their way back to emotional health. It was a crash course in the painful realities of life...and how NOT in control I was. During this process, I went through a painful break up, as well. Still...I didn't think I needed God.
So, in the midst of this chaos- I used to call my sister-in-law Jennifer. Just to talk about life...and camp...and the struggles. Mostly about the kids...and breaking up fights...and kids getting pregnant...one of my kids becoming HIV +...and all the grossness that results in the darkest places of life apart from God. When I would hang up with Jennifer, she would always tell me that she was praying for me. I started getting hooked on HER prayers... because they were working!!I found peace in her prayers and was desperate enough to ask for it. It gave me relief- where relief was nowhere to be found.
I didn't seek to find God again. I didn't even think I needed Him. The last thing I wanted was to resemble the "stuffy christians" in sweater vests & floral dresses. Christians to me were the nasty women who came into Macaroni Grill to sit in my section...to talk about other women in the church... while they hissed at me when their bread plate came close to being empty. Sundays were the worst days to wait tables! I never wanted to come close to these crazy judgemental people.
I loved my "free life" of actively persuing sin. I didn't so much like the concequences and the emptiness I felt when I was honest about it...but atleast I didn't have to follow a bunch of rules.
For me, it started with curiosity. Coincidentally, this was the same thing that lead me away from Him in the first place.
I started reading books about ALL the different belief systems. I took a few "philisophy" classes in college in my quest to try to understand God...and creation...and truth. I didn't find any "one way" that made perfect sense to me...and I really didn't want to get a closer look at Jesus- because Christianity looked really ugly to me from the outside. Judgemental people. Stupid rules that you can never follow- that make you feel better than everyone else.
So, after college I started working at a youth camp for at-risk teenagers. It was 24 hours a day, 5 days a week- living in tents in east Texas- working to help kids find their way back to emotional health. It was a crash course in the painful realities of life...and how NOT in control I was. During this process, I went through a painful break up, as well. Still...I didn't think I needed God.
So, in the midst of this chaos- I used to call my sister-in-law Jennifer. Just to talk about life...and camp...and the struggles. Mostly about the kids...and breaking up fights...and kids getting pregnant...one of my kids becoming HIV +...and all the grossness that results in the darkest places of life apart from God. When I would hang up with Jennifer, she would always tell me that she was praying for me. I started getting hooked on HER prayers... because they were working!!I found peace in her prayers and was desperate enough to ask for it. It gave me relief- where relief was nowhere to be found.
So, we started doing a bible study together on weekends. I also started reading some books on my own. It hit me gradually. This stuff was TRUE!! Not just something you have to believe by faith- but verifyable, historical, factual...and TRUE! This was God's love story to creation and it was a love that I could have that was more real than the illusions I had been chasing. It was the "freedom" that I was looking for.
So, what would I do with this truth that was staring me in the face? This is the question I have been asking for the last 5 years & the answer has been a surprise for me. I haven't really had to do much but receive His perfect love...and love Him back!
It's not a bunch of rules that we have to follow. I love that! I am a NATURAL rule breaker, so this has been fascinating to be a part of. Just surrendering and allowing the change to happen inside of me.
It's been funny to watch God transform this heart of mine...and NOT by my own strength, at all.
My desires, my hopes, my values(though they were never rotten- just based on my own strength and understanding of right & wrong) & what drives me- is all different. None of it my own doing. Just surrendering and watching.
It's a wild ride to say the least. It's peace when peace shouldn't be happening. It's a persuit of all things real. It's a love that makes no sense from the outside looking in.
It's humbling and challening.
The greatest adventure, the sweetest love, the deepest strength, the rock beneath my feet, a love that I can't earn and don't deserve...it just is... and always will be- all that really matters.
It's been funny to watch God transform this heart of mine...and NOT by my own strength, at all.
My desires, my hopes, my values(though they were never rotten- just based on my own strength and understanding of right & wrong) & what drives me- is all different. None of it my own doing. Just surrendering and watching.
It's a wild ride to say the least. It's peace when peace shouldn't be happening. It's a persuit of all things real. It's a love that makes no sense from the outside looking in.
It's humbling and challening.
The greatest adventure, the sweetest love, the deepest strength, the rock beneath my feet, a love that I can't earn and don't deserve...it just is... and always will be- all that really matters.
He found me when I wasn't looking & captured my hard heart and transformed it and continues to straighten out my stubborn "wrinkles"- because He loves me!
Because He wants to give me life that is FAR GREATER than what I could dream of for myself.
It all started with a curiosity and turned into this love affair that continues to blow my mind.
He is the perfect leader. The perfect friend. The perfect writer for my story. I love to read each chapter that He writes and I love that I get the princess...and He the hero.
And everytime I try to take back the control, I look around at all that He created.... The mountains, the four seasons, flowers and trees, my nieces and nephews, my goofy dogs, birds and squirrels and red-tailed hawks.
It all started with a curiosity and turned into this love affair that continues to blow my mind.
He is the perfect leader. The perfect friend. The perfect writer for my story. I love to read each chapter that He writes and I love that I get the princess...and He the hero.
And everytime I try to take back the control, I look around at all that He created.... The mountains, the four seasons, flowers and trees, my nieces and nephews, my goofy dogs, birds and squirrels and red-tailed hawks.
I look at how He has provided for me...in the most unexpected ways-my sweet friends, my house, my job & my family.
I think about the amazing peace that surrounded me when I had to put my 16 year old dog to sleep just a few months ago. It was the most tenderly I have ever been loved. It was a supernatural peace that I never could have imagined- had I not experienced it first hand.
He is the perfect father.
It's the sweet provision I watch Him give to those around me. Lives united in love, babies born, sicknesses healed, hearts mended, and glorious restoration that is a taste of the life to come.
Why would I ever want to write my own story? Could I dream up anything quite as beautiful as what He's created? Could I even dream of something quite as beautiful as the Napali Coast in Kauai? As the rainforest in Costa Rica? As giraffes in Africa? That Creator is big enough to write my story!!
But making beauty from the ashes is where God creates His greatest works of art. That's what He's making of me. That's why I love Him so much.
1 comment:
You have a way with words! I thouroughly enjoyed reading "your story". You wrote it so beautifully, sometimes saying it better than I've ever heard. I love you dear friend!
Amber
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